A personal transformation made public . . .

I had the unique opportunity to be in San Fran for the PayPal Dev Con. It’s interesting in these hard economic times that there is still a bunch of money to be made out there. The juxtaposition of everything was highly apparent as I made the transition from watching economic news in the hotel to the unbelievable amount of cash PayPal puts through their system daily. It’s somewhat interesting that I was able to be there 160 years after the initial Gold Rush that brought people out to that state. So, I look to the internets and say “there’s gold en them thar hills”.

As far as the people, I had a wonderful time reconnecting with old friends and making new ones along the way. I got to explore the city alone, and, for the first time in my life (as far as I can remember), I was happy being by myself. I felt no pressure, no anxiety. I did whatever I wanted to do and couldn’t care less what people thought of me. And, it brought me to new friends and new adventures that I wouldn’t have experienced otherwise.

My mother always told me not to push the river, let it flow. I think that fits pretty well for that trip. Instead of forcing things to be a certain way, I went (literally sometimes) in whichever direction felt best at that time, and it was amazing. The difficulty now is trying to incorporate that in other forms of life, such as my hard decision to move to Florida. I’m still unsure about it, but I feel there’s a huge amount of momentum behind it at this point, and I have a large net of people ready with open arms to greet me when I get down there. We’ll see how that works out. If it seems ok, I’ll start some other experiments.

so a bunch of friends from undergrad came in from all over the states. it was great to see everyone (some i hadn’t seen in 5 years or more). we caught up and partied just like old times. it came up though that time is flying, as it tends to do with age. we had a lot of conversations about where we are and where we’re going and where we thought we would be. it’s funny how people change . . . . and stay the same. it was literally like taking a trip back down to 10 years ago. what changed was what we want out of life and how that perception changes. it’s something i’ve been struggling with for a while. what do i want? how do i know where to go if i don’t have any plans? am i running out of time? the last question was a central topic throughout our talks. we’re getting old. we aren’t where we thought we’d be. we’re running out of time. however, going in fearing the inevitable aging, I have to say that as long as I have friends like these until the day i die, i think i’ll be alright. and i guess, at the end of the day, that’s what it comes down to. did you have fun and would you do it again? coup de grace.

I don’t want to make this post too dorky, but in physics there are different types of fundamental forces. You’re probably familiar with gravity and electricity, and there are others. All of which are defined by their interactions with matter (which particles, how far, etc etc). Anyway, it suffices to say that I realized that these forces are present in human relationships too. Sometimes when someone is really close, the attraction is incredible, but the slightest bit of distance will result in none at all. On the other hand, there are those relationships which always have a pull on you, no matter the distance. Of course these forces can be repulsive or neutral. I don’t want to necessarily say that these forces cause us to do things one way or another, just that they definitely have influence over our lives. The question then comes in when our internal moral set is in conflict with these forces. How do you rectify choices you make with overwhelming forces pulling you in all directions? At the end of the day, you alone are accountable for your life and the decisions you make. But if the universe is constantly wriggling and turning to find equilibrium with all of these forces, would it behoove you to make decisions that are in compliance with these laws? Or do you constantly swim upstream in hopes of maintaining some semblance of a predefined set of morals? Either choice I’ve taken always seems to be wrong, retrospectively. Despite my wild independent streak, I long for someone to tell me how to do things so that my life works out best. That’s all for today kids.

so i realized why i don’t do anything in life (specifically when it comes to making decisions). it’s like my life is a roadtrip. there are four of us in the car, the driver and three passengers. the driver is my motivation, obviously. in the front passenger seat is my navigator (decision maker). in the back seat i have reason and emotion. the driver knows vaguely where to go (it’s what i want). he turns to the navigator for advice, who, in turn, consults with reason and emotion. the guys have no idea what’s going on. they cant see the road. it’s like they’re in those car seats that are pointed backwards. they know whats happened in the past. my problem is that they always fight. at this point, the navigator gets fed up and says f this, im out. he asks motivation to stop the car and he gets out. once the car is stopped and the motivator doesn’t know where to go, one of two things happen:

1) the car remains in idle until the navigator is no longer pissed off

2) he starts blindly driving all over the place and becomes angry himself for not getting to the destination, at which point he kinda just floors it in any direction, usually leading to bad choices.

so, ultimately i need to realize how to control and assess reason and emotion accurately and learn to make decisions correctly. moral of the story.

i did it again. i went for another week. my big motivational push of the last entry was wasted on that day. i really dont know how the forces of negativity are so powerful. i started arguing with people, not sleeping well, road rage, gaining weight . . . all within 2-3 weeks. i dont understand it. is it dc? is i who i hang out with? i dunno, but i think my only option is escape. either escape or work harder. excited about trips coming up. im gonna miss everyone here, but life will definitely be better down home. how do i push myself to stay positive and be motivated to make the changes i want? if the church of mike had any answers . . . . and thus i ramble. ill try and keep you posted tomorrow. im pretty sure this blog was somewhat meaningful before, i swear . . .

So, here’s what happens. I make excuses for myself. This is pretty much what always happens though. I make excuses. I lose momentum. Life catches up with me. First the LSAT, then this product launch, then something. It’s always something. I definitely find I work better with a motivator though. All this aside, I have made some accomplishments. I took my first steps toward productivity. I filed paperwork to become an LLC, got some business cards, I even told Ralph Nader he couldn’t sit in front of me (i was saving a seat for some old lady). I still feel like I’m letting myself down though. It’s always tomorrow, or soon. I think about going to the gym every day. It’s right downstairs. The keyword there is think. First I give myself some things to do. Give myself a time to go. Then I give myself other things that are more important and set a new time. I eventually go to sleep, saying I’ll do it tomorrow. And this is my stand. A push from a friend. Getting me back. Sometimes we all need that guidance, or push, even though we’re all alone.

I have a lot of talks with people too (friends, girlfriend, etc) about not getting that push. They don’t feel complacent, per se (in fact it’s contrawise in many situations). Everyone is scared. Scared to start there own band, scared to do things on their own, scared to do. Scared to live. You only have one life, so why waste it on things you don’t want to be doing? I’m not encouraging anyone to be a jerk. I’m just saying that we all need to individually stand up for the things we believe in. Don’t cave in to stupid feelings. Take what you want. Goodnight.

as a quick update, i’ve come to a lot of realizations here being in boca this week. my family is ridiculously negative. so much negative energy here. we can’t do anything without the approval of my mother (who is uncompromising at best and very condescending), we all root against each other, and make fun of each other. we all hold each other down through guilt trips and accusations. in addition, we all repent through food, whether it be through offering or eating. it’s so much more obvious now why it was so hard growing up here. now, back to studying

slacking on all fronts. havent exercised, have been eating way too much, etc etc. kinda stressing about the LSAT this saturday. im taking a hiatus from the blog for a few days. be back sunday . . .

man this thing is super hard. i already missed a day. i havent really been exercising at all either. i’ve been consumed with work. i guess the hard pressure of the deadline of the beta launch is throwing me into overgear. i put in a solid 8 hours a day on my buddy’s project alone. after that i go stir crazy and ride the motorcycle around the block a few times, just to get some fresh air. we went out last night and i had a few drinks too many, passed out and had some crazy dreams. i think they share some insight on my mental state. here it goes:

i was teaching kindergarten and telling the kids to build spaceships and airplanes out of legos. while they were busy all these inanimate objects started talking to me, like a bobble head of lincoln and a giant wooden panda which was whispering to me that he wanted to be in playboy. then a giant hole opened up and i went in where in disney pixar animation i was taken by a rocket elevator to the outside world (i was underground) where i exclaimed that i wasn’t crazy, that there was a world up there. i was flown to my house, where my neighbor was a girl i dated for a short while, but had very intense feelings for (there was even a waterfall in front of her house, which reminded me of her last name). i started looking at my walls and they started to change colors and i told myself in the dream i needed to get more sleep because i was tripping out. i went to go ask the advice of a good friend of mine for what to do about this girl i still have feelings for. she was taking a shower and she kept poking her head out to hear what i was saying. the dream ended up with me having sex with her. so weird.

the latter part of the dream probably comes from the fact that i’ve been really worried about love lately. am i where i’m supposed to be? i’ve always sucked at relationships and i’m never content. it’s usually that i get too jealous and that i can’t get enough of the person im with (in the extreme sense of the word). this is the first case of the opposite. i really care for her and about her, but feel very indifferent about seeing her or spending time with her. i obviously dont want to hurt her, but i need to question my emotions and why i’m feeling this way before i make any decisions. i guess that’s part of this transformation too. having better relationships. so add that to my to do list . . . .

so i woke up today and convinced mike to go on a run with me. we only went for one lap around. not so bad. an overall productive day company-wise as well (despite the fact that the more we worked, the more problems we saw that needed fixing before the beta launch). after a solid 8 hours of non-stop work (and not being outside all day), i was very stir crazy and told mike i needed to get out. so, we hit up the old standby, captain hirams.

on the way, we were discussing new parts for the machine we’re building. i keep trying to cheap out and he wants to get quality. here’s where i had an epiphany, if you’re going to commit to something, do it right. you hear it time and again, but i realized i had been cheaping myself out on every aspect of life. this is probably why my car is breaking down, my computers are worn, and my clothes are falling apart. quality. this comes down to respect. what respect i have for myself, or the feeling before that i didnt deserve some things. why should i buy more expensive clothes? who am i? why should i do something for myself?

my second connection came at dinner. mike was throwing out ideas for other businesses. even though i was hesitant to see how he ideas would be profitable at all, it’s the fact that he had a drive to solve the problem. an open void. but it’s a void that can be filled with human creativity, drive, and intuition. this is nothing new either. in fact, it’s a core tenet of rand’s objectivism, but only now after actually seeing someone with seeds of creation plant them and produce more seeds do i actually experience what she conveyed through her works.

so, i guess i have to thank the captain for today. writing this, too, it reminds me of something else i’ve heard about philosophy: there is nothing new to be learned or you’ve already been taught everything you need to know. perhaps we do all know, but never make the connection beyond learning and storing information to making it useful in daily life