A personal transformation made public . . .

i know i made a post a while ago about a certain metaphor for life involving a road trip with four people. i never thought to mention what happens when the car runs out of gas. that’s about where i am right now. it may be that i’m too stubborn to ask for help or really open up to anyone else, but in a lot of ways i really feel like i’m driving through the desert and no one would hear me if i screamed anyway. a palm reader told me i died almost a year ago now. i kinda have felt that way the whole time too, just wandering aimlessly here on earth in body form with no spirit. despite trying to find my way back home, i still can’t seem to feel anything but dead inside, no matter how hard i try.

wrapped amongst my quiet nightmares and despite my morning parting, i never tire of waking to dreams of you . . . .

droid does, but i don’t. despite the warm weather and friends everywhere, i am beginning to loathe florida. or, loathe existence, or both. despite knowing that growth must be a slow process and that i am doing everything (mostly) within my power to bring my life into a new state, i can’t help but realize where i’m living and what i’m doing with my life, which is to say nothing and nowhere. perhaps my negative sentiments are taking over on some things which have truly been positive, and perhaps i should feel much more joyous during this holiday season, i can’t help but feel my predicament would have been much improved if i wasn’t so stupid. multiple times in my life i’ve made very poor decisions and i am still living with regret. despite my resolve to improve my situation, i seem only to be eating more, drinking more, and increasing my self-hatred. i remember a study, however, which showed that one’s happiness is directly correlated with how much control they have in life. perhaps this is the seed of my discontent, as i feel i am at the constant bidding of others, and am not free to pursue my own interests and lifestyles. i also feel that boca is stifling to any politcal and cultural discourse that may have once been present in my life. but, i ramble. while i may be transforming (as stated in the blog title), it may not be in the direction i had hoped. perhaps it’s time for a reevaluation.

this post is being written under duress. i was informed by one of my readers that i have not updated in about 2 weeks or so. so, here it goes:

being back in south florida has greeted me with mixed feelings. i love the freedom that i have being down here. more financial freedom, freedom to move around without traffic, less impediments in general. i even biked over 12 miles today! simultaneously, i find myself to be more confined in a lot of ways. my current living situation puts me in positions where i have to feel trapped into doing things at certain times (in case you were unaware i am living with my grandmother). while she is ok with me going out, she is unaccustomed to the nightlife of 20-somethings and can’t understand (and worries a lot) when my sister and i dont come home at night. this, in turn, leads to further tensions within the family . . . etc . . .

i feel another dichotomy in terms of success. i’m meeting all kinds of new people and reconnecting with old ones. i’m learning much more and making significant strides to attain my goals (including my decisions tonight to finally enroll in the patent bar exam class and motorcycle license class), however, i find it hard not to feel like a failure (as i am living back home and compare myself to other people who i grew up with who have moved on to “bigger” and “better” things).

ultimately (in the spirit of thanksgiving), i am deeply grateful for all of my friends in these transitional times (especially those without thyroids). they have been there to hold me steady and ensure that im moving in the proper direction and reassuring me that i am doing the right things. i would say i hope they’re right, but i’m pretty sure they know me better than i know myself. so thanks.

I had the unique opportunity to be in San Fran for the PayPal Dev Con. It’s interesting in these hard economic times that there is still a bunch of money to be made out there. The juxtaposition of everything was highly apparent as I made the transition from watching economic news in the hotel to the unbelievable amount of cash PayPal puts through their system daily. It’s somewhat interesting that I was able to be there 160 years after the initial Gold Rush that brought people out to that state. So, I look to the internets and say “there’s gold en them thar hills”.

As far as the people, I had a wonderful time reconnecting with old friends and making new ones along the way. I got to explore the city alone, and, for the first time in my life (as far as I can remember), I was happy being by myself. I felt no pressure, no anxiety. I did whatever I wanted to do and couldn’t care less what people thought of me. And, it brought me to new friends and new adventures that I wouldn’t have experienced otherwise.

My mother always told me not to push the river, let it flow. I think that fits pretty well for that trip. Instead of forcing things to be a certain way, I went (literally sometimes) in whichever direction felt best at that time, and it was amazing. The difficulty now is trying to incorporate that in other forms of life, such as my hard decision to move to Florida. I’m still unsure about it, but I feel there’s a huge amount of momentum behind it at this point, and I have a large net of people ready with open arms to greet me when I get down there. We’ll see how that works out. If it seems ok, I’ll start some other experiments.

so a bunch of friends from undergrad came in from all over the states. it was great to see everyone (some i hadn’t seen in 5 years or more). we caught up and partied just like old times. it came up though that time is flying, as it tends to do with age. we had a lot of conversations about where we are and where we’re going and where we thought we would be. it’s funny how people change . . . . and stay the same. it was literally like taking a trip back down to 10 years ago. what changed was what we want out of life and how that perception changes. it’s something i’ve been struggling with for a while. what do i want? how do i know where to go if i don’t have any plans? am i running out of time? the last question was a central topic throughout our talks. we’re getting old. we aren’t where we thought we’d be. we’re running out of time. however, going in fearing the inevitable aging, I have to say that as long as I have friends like these until the day i die, i think i’ll be alright. and i guess, at the end of the day, that’s what it comes down to. did you have fun and would you do it again? coup de grace.

I don’t want to make this post too dorky, but in physics there are different types of fundamental forces. You’re probably familiar with gravity and electricity, and there are others. All of which are defined by their interactions with matter (which particles, how far, etc etc). Anyway, it suffices to say that I realized that these forces are present in human relationships too. Sometimes when someone is really close, the attraction is incredible, but the slightest bit of distance will result in none at all. On the other hand, there are those relationships which always have a pull on you, no matter the distance. Of course these forces can be repulsive or neutral. I don’t want to necessarily say that these forces cause us to do things one way or another, just that they definitely have influence over our lives. The question then comes in when our internal moral set is in conflict with these forces. How do you rectify choices you make with overwhelming forces pulling you in all directions? At the end of the day, you alone are accountable for your life and the decisions you make. But if the universe is constantly wriggling and turning to find equilibrium with all of these forces, would it behoove you to make decisions that are in compliance with these laws? Or do you constantly swim upstream in hopes of maintaining some semblance of a predefined set of morals? Either choice I’ve taken always seems to be wrong, retrospectively. Despite my wild independent streak, I long for someone to tell me how to do things so that my life works out best. That’s all for today kids.

so i realized why i don’t do anything in life (specifically when it comes to making decisions). it’s like my life is a roadtrip. there are four of us in the car, the driver and three passengers. the driver is my motivation, obviously. in the front passenger seat is my navigator (decision maker). in the back seat i have reason and emotion. the driver knows vaguely where to go (it’s what i want). he turns to the navigator for advice, who, in turn, consults with reason and emotion. the guys have no idea what’s going on. they cant see the road. it’s like they’re in those car seats that are pointed backwards. they know whats happened in the past. my problem is that they always fight. at this point, the navigator gets fed up and says f this, im out. he asks motivation to stop the car and he gets out. once the car is stopped and the motivator doesn’t know where to go, one of two things happen:

1) the car remains in idle until the navigator is no longer pissed off

2) he starts blindly driving all over the place and becomes angry himself for not getting to the destination, at which point he kinda just floors it in any direction, usually leading to bad choices.

so, ultimately i need to realize how to control and assess reason and emotion accurately and learn to make decisions correctly. moral of the story.

i did it again. i went for another week. my big motivational push of the last entry was wasted on that day. i really dont know how the forces of negativity are so powerful. i started arguing with people, not sleeping well, road rage, gaining weight . . . all within 2-3 weeks. i dont understand it. is it dc? is i who i hang out with? i dunno, but i think my only option is escape. either escape or work harder. excited about trips coming up. im gonna miss everyone here, but life will definitely be better down home. how do i push myself to stay positive and be motivated to make the changes i want? if the church of mike had any answers . . . . and thus i ramble. ill try and keep you posted tomorrow. im pretty sure this blog was somewhat meaningful before, i swear . . .

So, here’s what happens. I make excuses for myself. This is pretty much what always happens though. I make excuses. I lose momentum. Life catches up with me. First the LSAT, then this product launch, then something. It’s always something. I definitely find I work better with a motivator though. All this aside, I have made some accomplishments. I took my first steps toward productivity. I filed paperwork to become an LLC, got some business cards, I even told Ralph Nader he couldn’t sit in front of me (i was saving a seat for some old lady). I still feel like I’m letting myself down though. It’s always tomorrow, or soon. I think about going to the gym every day. It’s right downstairs. The keyword there is think. First I give myself some things to do. Give myself a time to go. Then I give myself other things that are more important and set a new time. I eventually go to sleep, saying I’ll do it tomorrow. And this is my stand. A push from a friend. Getting me back. Sometimes we all need that guidance, or push, even though we’re all alone.

I have a lot of talks with people too (friends, girlfriend, etc) about not getting that push. They don’t feel complacent, per se (in fact it’s contrawise in many situations). Everyone is scared. Scared to start there own band, scared to do things on their own, scared to do. Scared to live. You only have one life, so why waste it on things you don’t want to be doing? I’m not encouraging anyone to be a jerk. I’m just saying that we all need to individually stand up for the things we believe in. Don’t cave in to stupid feelings. Take what you want. Goodnight.